I won’t bore you with any details about my work the last few weeks mainly because I suspect you all have seen that frenzied look in my eyes, so you have a sense of it. And a week ago Sunday, it wasn’t a frenzy, and I wasn’t even running on fumes anymore; I was gasping for air.
I had been a “doing” monster as of late. I woke up in the morning (and the middle of the night) already rattling through projects and lists and muttering about where I needed to be and trying to remember everything I was forgetting. Everywhere I turned was another list to work through, check off, or combine with some other list. Emails, phone calls, appointments, bulletins, brochures, blurbage…I was doing, doing, doing. Gasping, gasping, gasping.
I took myself out of the doing-game last Monday after a phone call that quickly pulled me back to center. Rev. Mike reminded me that life is not about the doing; it’s about the being. And really, I don’t believe I am here to do; I believe I am here to be. Yet how is it I work at CSL, I teach the principles (and have for years before I even came here), I am surrounded by messengers and models of our teachings, and yet I was (seemingly) failing at being spiritual?
It’s easy to talk about spiritual practice. When asked, any one of us could rattle off ways to live the principles and build them into our lives. We want to, we mean to, and often, we are fired up to. There are times when one of the Sunday lessons rings like a tuning fork in my head, and I am certain I will meditate, chant, do yoga, see God in everyone, and love with abandon no matter what happens for the rest of my life. I am one holy chick all day Monday. Not too far into Tuesday, I have stepped off the path and am waaaaaay deep in the muddiness and minutiae of life. Is this failing? Or, when I was gasping for air, was that failing?
Weirdly, and on this side things, I think the answer is, “No.” I am actually feeling kind of spiritually successful about what happened, and while maybe that’s not the right way to say it, that’s the best way I can describe it right now.
I’m proud of me. I love that I care deeply, that I want to give deeply, and that I share all I can with those I love. I’m proud of me for all of this. And you know what? I am learning to also care deeply about myself, to give more deeply to myself, and to recognize that I love myself and am sharing all that I can with me, too. And I’m proud of me for this self-care and love as well.
I’d like say that because I took time for deep self-care, introspection, inventory, and a shift in expectations I will be an ideal spiritual model from here on, but I’d be misleading you and me. Instead I’d like to simply share that I became aware sooner, I made healthier choices to heal, and I recovered faster. To me, each of these is a great success.
And this morning, I woke up and immediately started going through my list of what I needed to do today. I was a good three minutes in and had elicited a couple moans and groans before I caught myself. HA! I caught myself!!! I did a small victory dance for that, took a deep breath, and started over- Who do I want to be today?